From Gita: Growing up and moving in
BY GITA GRADY, LCSW
An empty dorm room with a few items in bags on the floor, ready for someone to move in.
The long summer before your child or loved one heads off to university or community college is winding down. College move-in has become an event like kicking off summer or Halloween. Stores are full of things that you just absolutely “need to buy” for your student. Social media ads for these same items are creeping in, too. The message? “If I or my child has ‘the right things’ then everything will go right!” Maybe they will not flounder. Maybe they’ll make great friends on day one, and never eat alone in the dining hall. Maybe their dorm room will become the social spot, and they will never be lonely. Maybe they will not be that student who moves in, and then never leaves their room for a month. The worries are valid, but shopping is not the answer.
The worries also come with a cost. The precious weeks at home, this last special time when your child is still a “child” living under your roof, when you desperately want to feel close and connected, these weeks become uneasy. Perhaps your child is suddenly never home. Or they are home, but they never leave their room. Or, they are home, and they are around, but the normal family bickering has become almost constant, and you find yourself thinking, “Just go already!” It is a fraught time. And you are not doing anything wrong.
This year, I am riding this interesting roller coaster right along with the younger set, and it certainly gives one a new perspective. I have spent the summer wondering what to bring. Some of the boxes have been packed for weeks, even though it’s not time to leave yet. The ordinary times at home have become a little uneasy with not only the excitement and anticipation but also the bittersweet feeling of leaving the familiar behind. It is a strange tension to carry, wanting to go, but also not feeling ready to go. I am not sure what my children thought most often in those last few weeks before they left, but I have found anxiety creeping in, and I’m doing my best not to let it spill over onto friends and family. That’s a little easier at my age than at 18-20!
A decorated dorm room loft bed with a pink bedspread and flowers.
As a parent, your job at this crossroads is to weather the storm, trust your student, and listen. It’s important to understand they’re going to have a lot of mixed feelings; that is an expected part of development. If they are isolating themselves from family or there’s a lot of bickering, that’s OK. That is them trying to work through their feelings of leaving home. Telling them you understand that it’s hard to say good-bye, or that change is hard, will help. Offer reassurance by reminding them of all the ways they have succeeded to get to this point — and you have confidence in them. Ask them to be honest with you if they need help. Asking for help is a grown-up thing to do. I was so proud of my older daughter when she secured an apartment in Richmond with minimal help from us for her sophomore year at VCU. Things were a little tricky though, and another apartment in the building was not taking care of their trash correctly. There were rats. She was afraid to tell me about the rats, because she felt like she hadn’t made a good choice. Sometimes it’s a good idea to ask specific questions: “Are you going to class every day? Are you eating in the dining hall, even if you need to eat alone? Have you tried something new this week? Are you worried about anything big?” Fortunately, my daughter stepped up, worked with her landlord, and the issue was resolved. But it took her a while to find the courage.
As you are shopping and packing, find a moment to remind them (or you?) that none of this has to be perfect. They may not make the friends they want, or the grades they want in their first semester, but there’s time! There are a few years for them to figure out this new stage in their journey. You can ease their worries these last couple weeks by remembering they are adults now, and by not being reactive to their very understandable big emotions. Enjoy that dorm room planning, or clothing shopping, but do your best to let your student make the choices. A new home is always a bid deal. The less anxious you are, the easier it will be for them. If bickering starts, take a step back. Maybe at the cost of a probable eye roll, disarm their attitude with an “I love you.” Ask them later what they are most worried about, or if there is anything they need from you before they leave.
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” This last month at home is a time to recognize that not all the feelings will be good, trust them, and offer them the respect you would any other adult. Respect yourself too, and talk to a friend if you feel overwhelmed. And don’t forget to give them a hug now and then, and cookies when needed!
